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{{langs|en=Research council progress report|ru=Заседание ученого совета. Отчетный доклад}}

Colleagues!

During our last reporting period, we obtained many important results across multiple different
areas of our multi-faceted activities. Thanks to the tireless
care of the administration, whose ultimate goal is the welfare of our students,
we have managed to achieve strict compliance with all laws of physics.
The high quality inertial frames of reference have all been maintained in working order.

Much effort has been spent on finding the minima of linear and constant functions.
Original methods have been proposed.

The recently opened Laboratory of Vacuum Acoustics has obtained its first results.
It turns out that a sound source of 200 dB, placed in a vacuum,
does not disturb anyone. This will soon permit a radical solution to the problem of noise.

It is worth noting the experiments conducted in the Laboratory of Biophysics.
They studied the effect of a magnetic field on the behavior of a frog.
It was found that at a field strength of more than 20 Oe the frog ceases to croak.
The amplification of the magnetic field was achieved by reducing the gap between the poles of the magnet.

A curious effect was observed in the Laboratory of Optics of Opaque Media.
At a temperature of 4000K, it was observed that the effect disappears
together with the observer and the experimental setup.
Work in this direction will continue.

We also observed that the difference between the numbers <i>π</i>, and <i>e</i> decreases
by 10<sup>-6</sup> per year. So the essential difference between them
is gradually erased. The universe, by contrast, expands, which will allow in the future
to construct an additional 3·10<sup>26</sup> houses with improved floor plans.

However, it should be noted that the extensive paradigm of scientific development
has completely exhausted itself.
We need to look for an intensive one, which improves the efficiency and quality of existing physical
laws. The transition to the SI system led to an increase of the Avogadro constant by three orders of magnitude.
But this is not the limit! We must continue to strengthen the dependency between
current and voltage, pressure and temperature, we must increase the useful
area of the hysteresis loop, and we must develop integration and differentiation based on
global separation of variables. We will continue to strengthen the
near and far order and wage a resolute struggle against the mass defect.
Today we must work better than yesterday, but it is better to work tomorrow
than today.

However, despite significant progress, we also have sporadic problems.
Some students mishandle sensitive equipment. A few cases of falling
barometers have been reported in the lab.
The Internal Review Board has revealed the presence of holes in the semiconductor devices.
Perpetrators will be reprimanded!

Let's continue. I want to say that we have constructed an analytical and
differential geometry in general, but not yet completely. 
Some areas lack connectivity and convexity.
A few necessary conditions were not just unnecessary, but also insufficient.

Yet, in general, we have achieved good results.
We have calculated all achievement results as percentages of infinitely small quantities and this
allowed us to take first place in the industry!

(The speech was heard with great attention and was frequently interrupted by
loud and prolonged applause)