Difference between revisions of "Research council progress report"

Revision as of 00:54, 11 January 2016

English Russian

Colleagues!

During the last reporting period, we obtained important results in different areas of our multi-faceted activity. Thanks to the tireless care of the administration, whose ultimate goal is the welfare of students, we managed to achieve a strict compliance with all laws of physics. High quality inertial frames of reference have been maintained in the working order.

Much effort has been spent on finding the minima of linear and constant functions. Original methods have been proposed.

The first results were obtained by a recently opened Laboratory of Vacuum Acoustics. It turned out that the sound source of 200 dB, placed in a vacuum does not disturb anybody. This will allow soon to radically solve the problem of noise.

It is worth to note the experiments conducted in the Laboratory of Biophysics. They studied the effect of magnetic field on the behavior of the frog. It was found that at a field strength of more than 20 Oe the frog ceases to croak. Amplification of the magnetic field was achieved by reducing the gap between poles of the magnet.

A curious effect was observed in the Laboratory of Optics of Opaque Media. At a temperature of 4000K it was observed that the effect disappears together with the observer and the experimental setup. Work in this direction will continue.

We also observed that the difference between the numbers π, and e decreases by 10^-6 per year. So the essential difference between them is gradually erased. The universe, by contrast, expands, which will allow in the future to construct an additional 3·10²⁶ houses with improved floor plans.

However, it should be noted that the extensive way of scientific development has completely exhausted itself. We need to look for an intensive one, that is to improve the efficiency and quality of physical laws. Thus, the transition to the SI system led to an increase of Avogadro constant by three orders of magnitude. But this is not the limit! We must continue to strengthen dependency between current and voltage, pressure and temperature, increase the useful area of ​​the hysteresis loop, develop integration and differentiation based on global separation of variables. We will continue to strengthen near and far order, wage a resolute struggle against the mass defect. Today we must work better than yesterday, but it is better to work tomorrow than today.

However, despite significant progress, we also have sporadic problems. Some students mishandle sensitive equipment. A few cases of falling barometers have been reported in the lab. Internal Review Board has revealed the presence of holes in semiconductor devices. Perpetrators will be reprimanded!

Let's continue. I want to say that we have constructed an analytical and differential geometry in general, but not yet completely. Some areas lack connectivity and convexity. A few necessary conditions were not just unnecessary, but also insufficient.

Yet, in general, we have achieved good results. We calculated all achievement results as the percentage of infinitely small quantities and this allowed us to take first place in the industry!

(The speech was heard with great attention and was frequently interrupted by loud and prolonged applause)